Coming to the end of the year

202​​0 has been many things. For many and to varying degrees much to do with life and death. A few more days marks the end of this year and it’s odd, how markers play such an important role for us. Maybe it has to do with being able to reference time. 

Today I write from my newly tidied and set up space in the comfy corner of my kotatsu as I reflect on what this past year has entailed. 

There’s been so many changes in terms of the external factors like jobs and livelihood. Thinking back on when the pandemic first had people staying home, I felt that it was nice to have a bit of a reprieve from the chaos and fastness of everyday life. I still appreciate it now, but have come to learn that our habits have a lot of say in shaping our days. There is so much possibility in one day, yet it feels like the majority of us are caged in to the habits and routines that govern our day to day. One such tether I’ve noticed most as of late, is the one that ties us to our devices. In an attempt to curb this connective necessity, I’ve started to tie my connectivity to that of the sun. Daylight time is normally reserved for being in the world and not online unless there’s something that absolutely needs to be attended to. The screen is a kind of hypnosis I think, and it takes effort and awareness not to stay sucked in. It’s a tool in our efforts to stay connected, yet it comes with all sorts of other distractions that in my opinion are a little too easy to get lost in. 

So! If we’re able to have complete awareness of our cages. To know where the door opens and to leave our cages for a time, where will we go?

I’ve come to realize the importance of intention and time limits and not falling into the lull of one's own vices. 

“When we change ourselves, it means that the future changes also.” ~Yuko-san xxxholic

Every action we take builds onto the future. What do we envision our futures to be and how do we move toward creating and designing our lives and realities? 

In the fine balance of self-care and productivity, I still find myself lacking and feeling that I've been too easy on myself. And it is perhaps the future me that is paying the price. I'm not sure how to reconcile this, but I've started with shifting my habits and hopefully along with it shaping my discipline.

So, what's the plan? What are my focus points as this year ends and another one begins?

• Saving money: to build a home base and sustainable lifestyle

• Decluttering/organizing: Taking care of and giving attention to all of my belongings and deciding what to keep and learning how to let go. [Yeah, the konmari method does not work for me. I am much too sentimental, but I really do appreciate the other little tidbits like how to fold and organize.] I feel like I'm near the end of my material needs and have started honing in on quality things that will last a long time. Paring down to the essentials where possible. 

• Giving more attention to personal relationships: I am a socially awkward person. I know this about myself, yet the people closest to me seem to have accepted that or maybe don't notice it. I think I'm very far behind though in saying and giving thanks to the many people who have played a role in watching and helping me grow up til now. I live in a realm of idealism which favors the old ways of communicating through letters and packages. I fear that there are things that one might want to convey, but may run out of time to do so. In the area of friendship, I’ve noticed that friendship seems like a strange dance in which you’re much better at dancing with some than with others and that the variety in character, style, and interaction plays a large role in how well the dance goes. There are some people that you might want to dance with, but who don’t seem ready to dance with you and vice versa and lately I’ve been contemplating the latter and why it is that we just don’t vibe as strongly with some as we do with others. Relationships are strange and beautiful things. And quite a conundrum as well.

• Finding meaning/goals: It’s not easy to find your purpose in life, but that doesn’t mean you can’t try by moving toward thing things that fascinate or spellbound you. Within creation there are a lot of inner struggles, but I hope to be able to overcome them and make things that I’m happy with. 

• Serious dreaming: there are projects that I want to work on related to sustainability in the wider world that seem way beyond my level to tackle, but I want to try. I’m still a bit stuck on the when and how to go about it. I think that it’s the distractions of balancing everything because let’s be honest. We’re all distracted. 

Were there any more things? Hmm...

Beware of taking things and people for granted.

Yeah that’s not ominous at all!

It seems to be pretty in line with 2020 though.

Cheers to surviving the year!

Huntress yours,

*mandy*