Dear March: boundaries & love

 There are times when your belief in yourself wavers, and that’s to be expected, but when your belief in others starts to waver, that’s when you know a real storm is coming.  

It’s been a really crappy month. Mostly because of how it started. I know that feeling emotions is a good thing (especially since I tend to suppress them). It is what makes us human. But it makes me really angry that other people can effect me in ways that can take a toll on my health to the point that I’m practically dead to the world - for a few days at least. This is a problem, and I am beyond triggered. I am livid.

I could see it as a me problem, that it’s up to me to not take others’ actions to heart, to believe that they have my best intentions in mind and that their actions are a result of worrying for me, and on some level, I do have that empathy and gratitude. (I think it’s my special power actually, to find the positive in nearly any situation.) I still speak to them respectfully and try to give them the benefit of the doubt, though I’m still met with nye a response...Seriously, what is their damage?

On another level, I am blazing with a rage of fury that is spouting obscenities. Who the ****** do they think they are?! I don’t give a shiz if they are family. That doesn’t give them the right to say whatever the hell that they want whenever they please. ******* them! 

On one hand, I can understand where people are coming from, that their worries stem from a base of caring. And that worry can sometimes manifests into misdirected rage (is it some kind of cry for help?), but when that combines with the worst of timing, I can’t help but take it a little bit more personally. No one likes feeling/being attacked, and when others and myself try to rationalize that into a form of “it’s because they care about you” I’m a little bit more than pissed that the fact that I’m being attacked is made less relevant because of where it stems from. F*!* THAT!!! That is not love and that is not caring, so shut the front door!  

I think the reason this month has been hard, even though I learned an important lesson - that setting intentional boundaries is sometimes vital to survival and a form of self care that I didn’t realize existed, I’m both sad and shocked that I have had to do this in the first place. Mostly because I’ve had to do it with people who I thought were supposed to love me the most. Well - talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words. The truth based on people’s actions and reactions come out in time and so it’s been important to see the various reactions that I’ve been getting in response to this. 

I believe in true love. Even though it’s like a unicorn and steeped in myth and stories, and few have seen/experienced the real thing. It is gentle and kind, patient and steadfast. 

I try to embody these ideals where I can without compromising my own personality, values, and judgements. I think because I have lived a life steeped in years of pain, on some level I know that everyone has their own struggles, and I hope that I can meet them with kindness to either lessen or at least not add to the burdens that they already carry. I’m not perfect though, and I know that those intentions aren’t always consistent and don’t always land well, but I believe that if we don’t try at all, there’s much less of a chance that those feelings of kindness and love can come into being. 

I want to believe in others, and I want to believe in myself, and no matter how deep the scars of the past are for each and every one of us, I want to believe in love. In true love - within the people that exist out in the world who are meant for us, and that we’ll find our way to each other, and that we will love, care for, and be kind to each other and those around us in all the ways that we long for and deserve.

Dear March, 

I put this wish out into the world.